


Struggles

by Lilly0



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, SMAP
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Male Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-04-14 09:33:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4559586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilly0/pseuds/Lilly0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takuya doesn’t even know why he feels that tired. It’s as if he hasn’t slept for weeks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Struggles

**Author's Note:**

> Loosely related to the "I hate you" incident between 2Top, also mentions of the "you get on my nerves" ShinTaku incident :-)  
> Maybe with a hint of 2TOP pair.
> 
> Story is beta-read.

_I hate you._

Everything feels tiring. Almost unbearably tiring. Takuya doesn’t even know why he feels that tired. It’s as if he hasn’t slept for weeks. It feels weirdly empty inside him. So empty that he is glad when their dance instructor leaves the room and rehearsals are over.

“Wow.” Goro tries to sound as laid back and cool as possible, while he so obviously can’t hide the depressed look in his eyes. “Today’s rehearsals were pretty bad.”

“Pretty bad?” Mori sounds something between amused and pissed. “I’d say we were a natural catastrophe today. Don’t you think so, Takuya-kun?”

Takuya keeps his poker face when Mori turns around and eyes him expectantly. He wants approval of his words, Takuya knows that, but he is too busy with his own thoughts to care. So he merely shrugs. “We’ll do better next time.” he says.

The silence that fills the room after these words is so thick with surprise, wonder and shock that Takuya is sure he could grasp a kitchen knife and cut through it easily.

“Are you serious!?” Mori sounds almost disappointed.

Takuya thinks it’s better not to answer to that. He doesn’t trust his reactions and he isn’t sure just how much his friend might see through him. “Yeah.” he answers calmly while he grabs his sports bag. He bows. And: “Otsukaresama deshita.”

_The others hate you too._

Goro looks puzzled, even more than Mori does. Before he can turn around, he can feel his friend’s hand on his arm. “Is everything alright?” Goro asks softly.

“Of course.” Takuya answers and smiles, as convincing and warmly as he is able to. But it doesn’t have the effect it normally has. Maybe because it wasn’t an honest smile. Goro looks almost sad – or even hurt – and Takuya feels a bit guilty for that. To diffuse his confusing thoughts, he turns around again and nods towards Shingo and Tsuyoshi. “Don’t go to bed too late today.”

Shingo stares at him with eyes so wide open like a child on Christmas Eve. Just the sparkle of amazement is missing in them. “Is that all!?” he finally asks in disbelief.

“He is right.” Mori immediately agrees with his favourite youngster. “You are freaking weird today.”

Shingo gets a bit pale. “That’s not what I said.” He stutters.

“Rehearsals were like a trip to hell.” Mori is obviously not in the mood to give up. Takuya feels like his friends wants a specific reaction from him, something he gives to him normally. But today, he swore to himself, he just has to hold back. “I thought it’s impossible to mess up that much. I mean, come on, it’s almost fun how bad we were.”

“Awful.” Goro agrees.

“Hm.” Takuya tilts his head. He isn’t sure what he is supposed to say or do now. Of course Mori is right, rehearsals were more than bad. Horrible. Awful. A catastrophe. The God of Dance might never forgive them. Even too bad to be a joke or for a cabaret. Disgraceful for them. They can do better. They need to do better! He is about to say all that, but before he can say it, he remembers it again.

_Everyone hates you._

He closes his mouth again and gets his thoughts together. “You are overdramatizing things.” he says.

“But-“ Tsuyoshi exchanges a glance with Shingo, but is at a loss for words. “Eh. What?”

“Oh please.” Mori rolls his eyes. “Get your shit together, Takuya-kun. You are beyond weird today. Not yourself at all. We need you to be you, otherwise no one is going to kick our butt! It’s as if you have a twin brother, who switched places with you today. And I don’t really like that twin brother, by the way.”

I don’t like that twin brother.

_Everyone…_

Takuya frowns at these words. He feels pissed all of a sudden. Really pissed. Like… DAMN IT! “Then what the hell is it you guys want!?” he spats out angrily. “Just make up your mind, idiots, and then tell me!”

With that he leaves the room before anyone can follow him or interrupt him once more. His eyes catch Nakai’s frame who leans against the wall at the other side of the room. He looks pale, Takuya thinks, not well at all. He looks at Takuya almost pleadingly, but Takuya isn’t sure if he reads it correctly. Well, he couldn’t care less right now.

He feels almost relieved when he hears how the door snaps close behind him. Once he reached the staircase, he sighs out in relief.

And now?

Upstairs. To the roof. Where the air is cold, but fresh.

 

~~~

 

“Yo.”

Takuya looks up in surprise when he sees a shadow hovering above him. “Mori?”

“Yes, the one and only.” the latter jokes. He sits down next to Takuya and for a long time none of them is saying a word.

“Not going home?” Mori finally asks in a light tune, like that argument one hour before didn’t even happen.

Takuya shrugs. “Why should I?” he muses. “Not sure if I have one. At least it doesn’t feel like that. I can as well stay here. It’s not like someone misses me.”

Mori’s eyes widen in surprise. Most likely because he just said something that he normally doesn’t share with anyone. “Is everything alright?” he dares to ask. “You are weird today, you know that.”

“Sure.” Takuya lies with a slight shrug of his shoulders.

“Hm.” Mori stays silent and offers Takuya one of his cigarettes.

“Say, Mori-kun-” Takuya starts after a while. “Are you scared of me?

By the glance Mori throws at him, Takuya knows immediately that he might have given away too much. His friend is clearly worried now… and upset. “You are an idiot.” Mori says, straightforward as he is. And Takuya is pretty thankful for that. He pulls at his cigarette for a while. “We should quit smoking.” Mori says all of a sudden.

“Probably.” Takuya agrees.

Mori doesn’t seem too excited about his suggestion though. “Let’s do that later.” He finally says. “In a couple of years.”

None of them says anything now. They are sitting next to each other, caught in their thoughts. Takuya wonders if Mori is at a loss for words because he is not saying anything. It’s not like his usual self.

“Takuya-kun.” The other finally starts.

“Hm?”

“If I ever, you know, when something happens or – well – I can’t stay with you guys, please look after Shingo. e iHHe needs someone to look after him. He is pretty young and doesn’t have anyone else who cares.”

“The brat?” Takuya says first in an amount of surprise, before it dawns on him. Happens… stay with you. He puts his cigarette on the ground and turns it a bit to stub it out. “Can’t stay with us?” He looks at his friend sharply. “Anything I should know?”

“Not yet.” Mori lets out a sigh that’s so deep and full of worry that Takuya feels he needs to be supportive rather than reproachful.

“Talk to me when you’ve sorted out your feelings?”

“Promise.”

“I should probably apologize to Goro.” Takuya says all of a sudden. The image of Goro’s dark and sad eyes popping up in his mind.

“Ah.” Mori makes a dismissive gesture with his hands. “No need for that. He can definitely take that much. Seriously, I’m glad the others don’t know how fast you feel guilty. They would totally take advantage of that.”

Hm. Yes. “Probably.”

Again silence engulfs them. This time though, it’s not the depressing, suffocating kind of silence that Takuya felt an hour ago when he was alone up there. He hates that silence, the one that makes him feel dense and numb. The silence now is different, filled with mutual understanding.

“Look who is coming.” Mori says all of a sudden. He glances towards the door and the lean figure leaning against the doorway, then towards Takuya, like he isn’t sure how to predict the next things that are going to happen.

It should be hard to make out who it is, because the light from the staircase is clashing with the darkness of the night, turning the person at the door frame into a mere shadow - and Takuya’s eyes are sensitive after he has looked into the night for this whole time. But still – he knows that frame, that awkwardly fragile looking figure that can punch a lot harder than he looks.

“Am I invited?” Nakai’s voice sounds wary.

Mori looks at Takuya first, then back to Nakai. He is so obviously struggling for the right words, like he doesn’t want to hurt neither of his friends. Takuya lets out a sigh. “Shut up, you bald idiot and grab a cigarette.”

Mori relaxes visibly. And even though he can’t quite see it, Takuya knows Nakai is smiling. He sits down next to Takuya now, grabbing the offered cigarette. “What are you doing here?” Nakai asks, apparently to make a conversation. His voice sounds a bit shaky.

“Watching the moon.” Takuya explains lazily.

“For real?”

“Yes, Masa.” Mori jokes. “That or we just didn’t have any other place to go to.”

“We are pathetic.” Takuya says.

“Yes.” Nakai agrees. “We all are. We have one guy who can’t dance to save his life, one who is an annoying brat, one who is a whiny brat, a cranky jealous bald old dude, a short-tempered angry dude and one-“ he throws a glance towards Mori. “-who keeps his secrets too well.”

“Wow-“ Takuya lights another cigarette and brushes through his thick hair. “That’s normally what I would say. Apparently I’m rubbing off on you.”

“We all have bad points.” Nakai says silently. “These are our bad characteristics.”

“We also have good points.” Takuya intervenes.

“Like what?” Mori wants to know.

“Fine.” With a sigh Takuya tries to gather his thoughts. “There is the soft-hearted and nice curly-haired dude, the talented and strong little brat, the quiet but hard-working crybaby, the caring old dude, who is still bald-“ He can hear how Nakai giggles at that. “And-“ he grins when he looks at Mori. “-the one who keeps his secrets well.”

Nakai laughs openly now, while Mori shoots him an annoyed glance. They take their time before they calm down. “You forgot yourself.” Nakai complains all of a sudden.

Takuya only shrugs. But to his surprise, Nakai takes over and continues. “The ambitiously hard-working short-tempered dude.”

Takuya can’t help a smile. “Hm.” he says, because he feels a bit flustered and doesn’t want to say anything that sounds too cheesy or pathetic.

“You know-” Nakai finally continues and he sounds almost a bit miserable. “I didn’t know you are seeing us like that. Like, so positive.”

Takuya shrugs while he plays with some strands of his hair. It’s getting longer. Truth is, he didn’t even know it himself how important the others are to him. Only now that he spoke it out loud, he realized that he truly sees them as that: Six difficult and rebellious guys, who have their heart at the right place. Everyone has weak points, but their strong points could probably turn even their weaknesses into a charming, appealing side of them. “We need to believe in us, I guess.” He pauses. “It could work.” He continues. “We could work as a group.”

“You are right.” Nakai agrees.

For a moment it’s quiet again, before Mori stands up, coughing a bit. “I’m heading to the toilet. I’m going to be back in a minute.” He says lightly, before he disappears.

Takuya is thankful for the moment he gives them.

“We are both alpha-guys. Maybe that’s why we fight all the time.” Nakai says once Mori is not to be seen anymore. He sighs.

“I’m more alpha than you are.” Takuya muses. He sounds a bit miserable, he thinks, even to his own ears. “You are more… diplomatic. At least towards some guys. I’m not diplomatic at all.”

“Probably.” Nakai says, his voice sounding wary all of a sudden. “But then, you are more honest than I am, more open-minded. You are already changing – every day, you are here, you change. I’m not changing at all. And I’m easily feeling jealous. You are not feeling jealous of anyone.”

Takuya isn’t too sure about that. There are pictures popping up in his mind, a very certain one particularly clear. The one about the careless and oh-so-happy little kid. “I should be nicer to Shingo-kun.” He says more to himself than to Nakai. “I yelled at him last week and told him to fuck off. I said he got on my nerves.” He has almost forgotten that, but he is sure that the kid hasn’t.

“Probably. He is looking up to you, you know. Mori and I are being nice to him and supporting him, but it’s different if you are the one who shows him support.”

“I’ll try.” Takuya smiles slightly. “If I’m too harsh towards him, tell me.”

“I will.” Nakai nods. He blushes a bit. “If I ever cross the line again and act like a jealous douchebag, tell me too.”

“Count on me.”

Nakai bites down on his lip for a moment, before he faces Takuya directly. “Listen, Takuya-kun, about what I said last week… It was just my messed up emotions. I let it out on you. But it’s not your fault. I-“

“If you continue apologizing now-“ Takuya interrupts him. “I swear I’m never going to stop laughing.”

“Bastard.” Nakai grins and the look in his eyes is so full of relief that Takuya forgives him everything that happened immediately. They are probably going to fight a lot more times, but they are going to make up and understand each other always.

“Let’s lead them well, together, okay?” Nakai says all of a sudden. “I’m counting on you.” He reaches out his hand into Takuya’s direction. If it wasn’t so honest, it would probably be cheesy. “Okay?”

Takuya grabs the hand Nakai is offering him. He smiles. “Count me in.”


End file.
